On free returns and redemption

A couple weeks ago, I ordered my first pair of Doc Martens. A 90s teen to the core, I always adored Docs, but alas! I never owned a pair. And now, at age 44 with very flat feet, I find that I need some extra arch support. So I figured, why not cushion my aging feet while also fulfilling a teenage dream? 

I found a pair of sandals that looked somewhat age appropriate, clicked them into my online cart, and within a couple of days, they arrived. I unboxed them with something akin to adulation, savoring every part of the process:  the outer box, the actual shoe box, the tissue paper cocooning each shoe, and even the inserts keeping the sandals in perfect shape.

Yes, they were chunky. That’s what Docs are known for. But had they always been THIS chunky? (Consequently, why did my own feet look so much bigger?) What was worse, the loop for the big toe was so high up that it hit my big toe near its top, thus not really doing the job of securing it in place. 

At first, I was determined to make them work. I wore them around, trying to convince myself that I could just get used to how big they were. However, reality hit, and I had to do the unthinkable:  I was going to have to return them and try the smaller size. 

Now I know this would be no big deal for some (maybe most?) people, but I must confess that I hate returning things. I always have. I have worn ill-fitting clothing and shoes for this very reason. I have used products for years that I hated just so I wouldn’t have to return them.

Why? I think it’s my card-carrying Enneagram One personality. I am so driven by doing the right thing, by being the most efficient, by making the best decisions in both big and small matters, that in order for me to return something, it means I am fundamentally in the wrong. I am admitting defeat. I am a failure. 

I beat myself up about every little decision that doesn’t turn out glowing and sparkly:  Where did I go wrong? What did I miss? And more importantly, as a Christian, this causes me to question my relationship with God. Did I miss what He was trying to tell me? How have I gone astray to the point where I find myself or my loved ones suffering in some way? 

One of the (many) lessons I’m trying to sort through from the past couple of years is that navigating bumpy roads in life doesn’t mean I’ve gone off the path. It doesn’t mean I’ve ignored God’s leading. In fact, sometimes God has led me into situations that did end in heartache – from all that I can see, at least. 

And instead of believing that I’ve heard Him incorrectly, perhaps I need to recognize that true suffering or even small things just not always working out do not mean that I am out of God’s will or out from under His protection; rather, it may mean that I am right where He wants me to be.

I’ve bought so easily into subtler aspects of a prosperity gospel that when I find myself in sticky situations and going through painful experiences, I assume God is angry with me or that I have done something wrong. But there are so many Scriptures that tell us otherwise!

Romans 5:1-11 is just one of them:

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ,through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. 

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God’s wrath through him! For if, while we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.

We can expect suffering, but we can also rejoice in hope in the midst of it. God is FOR us through it all, working in so many ways to grow us through these trials, while also working out the actual situations according to His will. He sees the bigger picture while we just see one piece of it. 

But here’s some more good news for us perfectionists:  while we were STILL sinners, Christ died for us. We have been justified by His perfection. This is huge for those of us who feel we have to earn our way, that all of our life’s big and small decisions must always turn out EXACTLY as we had planned – or else we feel like failures. 

True, when reality hits that we aren’t perfect, we can’t boast about how great we are. (Hello, Humility!) But we can boast in Jesus Christ because He has redeemed our brokenness. And through His perfect sacrifice, we are reconciled to God. Period. Reconciliation. Redemption.

Do you know what redemption feels like for this recovering perfectionist? Boxing up those too-big sandals and taking a drive to the UPS store to return them. I was able to exchange them for the smaller size, which just happened to be on sale, so I saved nearly $20. And when I received that new pair of sandals and slid my big toes right into those loops, they felt like they were made just for me. Do you smell that? To some, it’s that new-shoe-leather smell, but to me, it smells like letting go, a recognition that my shortcomings aren’t the last word. And neither, dear reader, are yours.